So… I drank myself into oblivion yesterday. Usually destructive behavior comes from a deeper place. This time mine was coming from my struggle to admit I have a delusional picture of love. I think the good news here people, is that waking up on your bathroom floor at 5am builds character. (And also seriously hurts my fucking neck).
Flashback: Think of me as the drunk dad who starts rambling on about “back in his day” over and over again. It’s a real treat. The real story here is that I don’t talk enough about the important things I need to see a therapist about, so I let it out every once in awhile in the least productive manner possible –– and only while drunk.
This is an open apology to all those who fell victim to my open, bleeding wounds that become public knowledge at a bottomless bloody mary bar in DTLA.
You know, looking back at this post is so cathartic for me. I didn’t know it at the time, but this moment in time was a huge catalyst for me. The ‘bender’ I speak of, was more of a public meltdown than anything. The next day I was mortified. I mean really, really ashamed of how much of myself I poured out in front of people who weren’t my closest friends. Have you ever had a mental breakdown while drunk and without a best friend in sight? No one was there to grab me by the hand and say, “Bri, it’s time to go home now baby girl.” So instead it played out. I vaguely remember running– and falling– from the Korean food truck my ex and his friends were standing at waiting for food. Someone… somehow got me home afterwards.
I was in the beginning phase of what I look back on now as my first real experience with depression. It lasted for about a year and coming out of it I lost lots of friends, 30 pounds and some of my dignity. It’s odd, to read this and look back at it now fondly… like ‘awe, she doesn’t know it yet, but this moment is about to drastically change her life’… Because it did. I really changed my relationship to alcohol. I had too much to deal with that I knew I needed to deal with it soberly. I began down a path of acceptance in terms of recognizing my mental health. Six months later I was in a serious relationship, seeking therapy and on the path to coming out of the darkness.
Now, two years later, I can say this brought about the biggest growth spurt in my life thus far. The boyfriend is gone, the apartment is new, my job has changed (3x) and my friends have different names… but everything that happened in that span of time has brought me to a place of happiness, and for that, I’m grateful for the memories (even though they were mostly painful). I don’t blog often on here, but for whatever reason, I chose to jot down some feelings after that night two years ago. I’d like to think that’s because I was drawing a line in the sand… telling myself that starting from here on out… things will change. And they did.